Dear ABC, You Have Pissed Me Off

I don’t watch a lot of television, preferring to pick things up on Hulu or other authorized sites. Since the cancellation of “Firefly” after one season, “Carnivale” after two, and “Defying Gravity” after half a season, I usually wait until a series has run its course before I jump on the bandwagon. (Such as “LOST” — I’ll be watching that now there’s an actual series finale.) I just hate loose ends. Not that I need them all tied up, understand, but if you start a story with a 5 year arc, I WANT TO SEE IT ALL.

I made an exception this past viewing year. I started watching “Flash Forward”. Fascinated by the premise, I was hopeful this would be the one, the show to entertain me, keep me guessing, and satisfy my craving for solid entertainment so rare anymore in the forest of reality-type shows…although I enjoy some of them as well.

Of course, Flash Forward was canceled. I’m starting to think I’m the Typhoid Mary of dramatic, sci-fi type television series. *sigh*

Being a girl of action, I wrote a letter to Stephen McPherson, High Muckity-Muck of ABC programming.

Dear Mr. McPherson,

I feel like a walking curse. I’m scared — actually terrified — to turn on my television and watch anything other than reality shows because every series I watch seems to get the axe quicker than my live-in brother-in-law cleans out the refrigerator on grocery day (don’t ask, just feel my pain). First, it was “Firefly”. Although I feel as if I’ve never recovered, at least I did get some closure from “Serenity” and that was exactly what my therapist said I needed. Next, was “Carnivale”, and that one almost put me in Intensive Care. The dangling storyline still haunts me in my dreams, and makes the hamsters in my head run on the wheel of my brain until their tiny little paws are nothing but bleeding stumps.

Do I have to mention “Defying Gravity”? Yes, I watched, and yes, I liked it, and of course, it was canceled. Now I will never know what was in that *$(%*&# pod, or what was going to happen when they finally arrived on Saturn. The pod thing really bothers me. Now, you’ve gone and canceled “Flash Forward”. My therapist says I need to learn to let go, but Mr. McPherson, how could you? You made me care about Mark, Livvie, Charlie, Dem (but not his girlfriend, I never liked her) and Janis. I even liked Simon, although I wanted to punch him deep in the throat a couple of times. You made me care about these people, about what was going to happen, and then POOF! Gone. I’m sobbing as I write this, Mr. McPherson. Actually sobbing. I need tissues. *sniffle*

I have no idea what happens when a network decides to cancel a show, and I don’t want to know, actually. What I do want to know is if my sacrifice of a live chicken, naked bonfire dancing, and out-and-out wailing, sobbing, and gnashing of teeth will do anything to change your mind about the cancellation of Flash Forward. I honestly tried to watch “V”, but for me, it is the far inferior show. I am forced to watch reality shows, because at least I know there will be a resolution of sorts, and they always come back. Kinda like cockroaches living seven days after you cut their heads off, if you know what I mean. But what my brain really craves to stave off those damned furry rodents running the wheel is stimulating, entertaining, and puzzling television. With the cancellation of Flash Forward, I’m not getting it, and the hamsters are not only getting restless, they’re starting to eat copious amounts of brain cells.

Please, please, PLEASE. Bring back Flash Forward. I know the chickens in my yard will appreciate it, and so will the neighbors who peek at me with binoculars when I do the naked bonfire dancing.


Annetta Ribken

I have a feeling I’m gonna be stuck with “The Bachelorette”. On second thought, I’d rather eat nails.