I realize this has nothing to do with writing, but I really need to get this off my chest.
I’m a veteran of the laundromat. I think I started about the time I was tall enough to reach the knobs on a washer and dryer, so I’ve been around the laundromat rodeo, feel me? There is a certain protocol that must be followed, lest someone lose a limb or other body part.
This is aimed at single guys who come to the laundromat with no clue of how things work.
1. Open the door for people, willya? You see that little gramma lady struggling with two baskets and a Walmart bag full of laundry soap, go open the door for her! Yes, i realize the sports part of the noon news is on, but jezuz wept, whatever you miss now you can catch at six. I promise.
2. Wait your turn. Listen, bubba, don’t think you are EVER going to beat a veteran at the laundromat wars to the washers or the dryers, because you will lose a kidney at the very least. Yes, I realize the noon sports is on….*sigh*
3. Never, ever, watch me fold my underwear. It’s none of your business, and it brands you as some kind of creepazoid storing up underwear fantasies for later. Avert your eyes. Pick up one of the magazines from 1996 and pretend to read.
4. Don’t ever, ever change the television channel even if the remote is right in front of you. Look, sonny boy, the women that come to the laundromat during the day, especially on Friday, are usually wrapped up in some soap opera. Friday is the day the shit hits the fan, so don’t touch the dial. Unless, that is, you want to lose your liver along with the kidney.
5. Stop watching me fold my underwear!!!
6. Buy your own laundry products, and buy enough. I don’t mind sharing most of the time, but half a bottle of Tide later, not to mention the fourteen dryers sheets, and I’m starting to get irritated.
7. You will not…repeat, NOT beat any of us to the dryers. Give it up, big guy. Yes, doing laundry sucks. Yes, doing laundry in the laundromat sucks. I know you want to get out of here as quickly as possible, but you’re dead meat if you try to jump the line to the dryers. Deal with it, ya big baby.
8. I am not interested in how many pounds you can bench press. Not only that, I’m not interested in how much money you make, what kind of car you drive, or how many women you’ve banged. I’m here to do laundry. This is not a meat market.
And yes, that is my Mustang. And yes, I can blow your doors off.
9. You will never be able to figure out what size my boobs are by looking at my bras. STOP WATCHING ME FOLD MY UNDERWEAR ALREADY!! FREAK.
10. Open the fucking door!
Consider this my Public Service Announcement for Friday. Follow the protocol, and you will get out alive, and with clean drawers.
That is all.