Bitches Love Cookies, And I Have Proof

The Internet is a really weird place, which is probably the main reason I love it so. I’m going to tell you a little story about what happens when an innocent conversation on Facebook (okay, maybe “innocent” isn’t the right word, but work with me here) goes completely off the rails.

Part One

My daughters and I live far away from each other, but we use Facebook to stay in touch. We’re all strange and twisted — anyone who knows us is aware of this fact. The girls were actually together visiting at my oldest daughter’s home, and of course, we were conversing a bit via FB. Out of the blue, my oldest daughter posts an update:

“Bitch please.”

The youngest daughter was next.

“Bitches don’t know.”

Oldest daughter:

“Bitches be trippin’.”

And then me, because this was just too good not to jump on:

“Bitches be trollin’ for a bitch slap.”

To make a long story short, this went on for nineteen comments in all, each more hilarious than the last. It was a riot.

Part Two

I’m sure you’ve seen various memes around the ‘net like, “I made the bitch a cake. Bitches love cake,” or “I gave the bitch a cookie. Bitches love cookies.” Well, every time me or my girls saw a meme like that we just cracked up. Because it’s true — bitches DO love cake and cookies.

Part Three

Then, a good friend of mind posted a meme showing three phases of cookies actually baking on the dashboard of a car. I was all like OMG! I have got to try that someday! Another good friend of mine re-posted the meme and begged me to try this and document the process, as it would be great entertainment for her. My oldest daughter concurred, and said, “Mom, you really have to do this.”

Part Four

As you may or may not know, I am located in the Midwest which is currently in the midst of one of the hottest summers ever in the land. As in, triple digits for ten days running so far. It is hotter than the armpits of Beelzebub, to which I attribute the next part of this story. My brains are fried, my friends. Totally fried. But since it was my dear friend who needed the entertainment, and with my daughter’s support, I figured — what the hell? Worst case scenario, baking cookies in my car would be a dismal failure and best case scenario, I’ll have cookies! AND BITCHES LOVE COOKIES!

I didn’t know the Internet would lose their damned minds.

Here is a step-by-step description (with pictures and accompanying commentary) how my experience baking car cookies actually played out.

On this day, July 5th, 2012, the temperature was predicted to hit 107 degrees. That’s right. ONE HUNDRED AND SEVEN DEGREES. Without the heat index. With that in mind, I left early in the morning to procure supplies for Operation: Car Cookies. I notified my kid and my friend I was about to commence the experiment with a photo album dedicated to the process so they could follow along.

Step One

The oven and the equipment.
Documentation of the time and temperature. That’s the EXTERNAL temperature, by the way. Hot.
Preparation of the baking area.
The main ingredient. I went with something simple, because if this shit got too complicated, I knew it would never work. Plus, I was too hot to actually make this from scratch. Bitch, please.
Placement of the experimental material.
The experiment commences. Yes, that is bird shit but please note it’s on the OUTSIDE of the vehicle. No cookies have been exposed to the extraneous substance and has no bearing on the experiment other than to say I need to wash my car.

I then set my phone alarm to go off at 2:15 PM CST so I could check on the cookies and provide further documentation of the process. By now I’m sweating like a gym rat (as if! I’m baking COOKIES) and I have work to do. But I will confess I was itching to go back out there and see what the cookies were doing. If anything. But I restrained myself until the alarm went off.

When I went back out there at 2:15 PM CST, this is what I found:

From the outside dashboard view. Placement of the experimental material could have been more precise; so noted for the next experiment.

I confess my heart started to beat a little faster. Could it be true? COULD I REALLY BAKE COOKIES IN MY CAR? Afraid to be too hopeful, I further documented the process.

The material is beginning to metamorphosis into something resembling an actual cookie. So far, so good. EUREKA!
Time: approximately @2:15PM CST. I forgot to take a picture of the time/temp, but my car was still displaying a 99 degree external temperature. Inside was a LOT hotter than that, and the aroma of cookies permeated the overwhelming heat of the interior. Bonus.

I set my alarm for 4 PM CST. Hell, I had work to do and this is supposed to be the EASY way to bake cookies. All this trekking back and forth was making me SWEAT. The things I do for the people I love. Remember that when I’m too old to wipe my ass, okay?

At 4 PM CST, the alarm sounded. TIME TO CHECK THE COOKIES. This is what I found:


But I’m just here for the cookies.

Looking firmer, although now I’m wondering if I should have used Pam or if they’re just going to meld with the foil. I’m becoming quite concerned about this.
Of course, I had to stick my finger in one to see if it was really cooking. Oh, yeah. It’s cooking. Holy shazaam!

Okay, set the alarm once again for 6 PM CST. I realized all this trekking out to the car is starting to wear my ass out. I need a nap, but instead I went back to work, anxiously watching the clock and hoping like hell these damned things would be done so I only had to go out into that blistering heat one more time. FINALLY…

Still hotter than the balls of Lucifer. Not that I know how hot his balls are, just saying. AT 6 PM! Can you believe this??

Now, for the cookies.

Um. Not sure what happened to that chunk of cookie. It was like that when I got there. No, really. Actually, I think a chunk of cookie may have accidentally fallen into my mouth. Not sure. Things are a little fuzzy at this point. The heat, you know.
At this point, I think they’re as done as they’re going to get, and besides that, I’m finished with schlepping out to the car. A bitch can only take so much, even for cookies.
Transferred to cool off. At this point I’m wondering if they are melded to the foil, not that it’s going to stop me from taste-testing.
I was right. It was a struggle to get them off the foil, but I PREVAILED. Nothing can stop a bitch from getting her cookies, trust DAT.


As you can see, some cookies were harmed in the transfer. Still, I give myself a B+ for presentation.
The first taste test. I will admit I was a bit leery —

But then, it hit me!

I maded a cookie! IN MY CAR!
NOM! I know you bitches are jealous.
Pretty damned amused about the whole thing. I can attest to the fact BITCHES LOVE CAR COOKIES! \O/
Just one more and THAT’S IT! I call this a win. I also think I’m probably crazier than a shit-house rat. But that’s okay, because I HAVE COOKIES, BITCHES!

So, that’s the story of baking car cookies. But it doesn’t stop there, because of course, it’s the Internet.

Next thing I know, people are commenting and laughing their asses off, snarfing beverages through their sinus cavities, and clamoring for this photo album on FB to go public. So I did.

Shares everywhere. My email blew up. My Facebook blew up. And I am giggling so hard at all the comments and shit I had to change my pants three times. I AM CRACKING UP. My daughter calls me and we’re both giggling so hard we couldn’t even understand a word the other one was saying. HILARIOUS. People are vowing to try this at home. Someone suggested bacon chocolate chip cookies next time. Someone else said their husband was going to try meatloaf in their attic, and I laughed so hard I fell out of my chair and scared the cat.

And then? A smart-assed husband of my daughter’s BFF posted this:

I laughed so hard I’m pretty sure I ruptured something serious. For real. TOO. DAMNED. FUNNY.

After things had calmed down, I reflected my life is just so effin’ hilarious sometimes. All I am is a bitch who wanted cookies. And to make her friends and kids feel better after a spectacularly shitty couple of weeks on the personal front. I thought about all these people giggling or smiling over some stupid, crazy hair I got up my ass, and it brought me to tears. So I ate another cookie and felt much better. Heh.

Oh, and the cherry on top of the cake? My kid called me the Best Mom In The Universe. In public.

Life just doesn’t get any better than that.

<3 Special thanks to Stephanie Haworth, Lisa Henderson Perez, Donna McCoy, Tina Bean, Martha Mineo, E Ryan Carr, and all the kindred spirits out there who love car cookies. You people made my MONTH. Much love to you!!

UPDATE: Due to special requests, there are now magnets and mugs available for purchase at my Zazzle store, which is so brand-new it’s probably not even visible yet. However, you can find the magnet here and the mug here. More products as time and hilarity allow. If you have a special request, let me know and I’ll do my best to accommodate you. As long as it doesn’t involve a goat or other barnyard animal.