New Release-The Trailer Park Tiara and Goat Incident

And so the first adventure of Sally Mae Riddley has hit the ground running!

The Trailer Park Tiara and Goat Incident
That face cracks me up every time I see it!

The Trailer Park Tiara and Goat Incident is the first in a series of novellas about the adventures of Sally Mae Riddley, and hoo doggy, she’s a hoot! This story was so much fun to write–I giggled through the entire thing. It started off as a joke between a few friends, and eventually Sally Mae’s voice became so loud in my head she just busted out all over. Take a look at this excerpt:

The thing you gotta remember is the Queen of the Trailer Park title has been held by the womenfolk of my family for three decades. So for me, Sally Mae Riddley, the pressure was on. And I was really motivated, see, because of the goat.

I’ll get to that.

My nemesis was Mabelline Townsend. She had bigger boobs, true, but most people knew they was totally fake. You can’t hide nothing in a trailer park, ’less you’re real clever, and people called Mabelline a lot of things but clever warn’t on the list. Of course, fake or not, that kind of thing don’t matter to boys. If it’s got mammary glands, they’re going for it. Just look at my cousin Jimmy, stuck in the County Jail for the next six months on account of the cow problem he had.

Don’t act like no one in your family never got in trouble over something stupid.

Anyway, Mabelline had the boobs. She’s right pretty, too, if you squint your eyes and dim the lights. To, like, full dark. Other girls in the trailer park thought they had the title sewed up this year for sure, seeing as my older sister, Sue Ann, was out of the running since she won last year. Sue Ann’s a real beauty, with long golden hair just the right shade of yellow–thanks to the bottle of peroxide under her bed no one knew about but me. And a nice tan with no tan lines anyone could see. Never mind the orange look to her, it was real complimentary to the yellow of her hair. And pretty, painted nails, thanks to the fine people at Lee Press-on Nails from Walgreen’s.

I could hardly compete with that package, what with my red hair the color of carrots, gangly legs and big feet. Mama just loved to remind me of my god-awful looks, compared to Sue Ann, every chance she got while Sue Ann pranced around the trailer in her coveted beer-can tiara. “Sally Mae,” she’d say, “I afeared you got out of the wrong end of the gene pool. If I din’t birth you myself, I’d swear you weren’t any o’mine.” Then she’d get this funny look on her face like she knew something she warn’t telling and she’d grab for the whiskey bottle and turn the tee-vee to Maury.

Ever since Daddy disappeared, she ain’t been right in the head. Rumor had it he ran off with DeeDee Townsend, Mabelline’s older sister. Truth is, a few of the town boys on vacation found DeeDee on the strip in Vegas, and never found Daddy. If anybody knew something about my daddy, nobody was telling. Mama din’t talk about it, but I sure did miss my daddy fierce.
So, Sue Ann won fair and square last year, and what she did with her moonshine prize was her business. But, here’s this year’s Trailer Park Pageant coming up, with my family’s reputation on the line and competition stiff. To be honest, I din’t really care too much for the reputation part, in spite of Mama’s harping–I only cared about the prize. Oh, the prize. When I say “moonshine” you probably think of some ass-kicking hooch from an illegal still in the woods. You’d be wrong. I needed that prize. For the goat.

I’ll get to it.

I knew for a fact Mabelline was taking pole dancing lessons for the talent part of the show, and it was going to be hard to beat. Not that she needed lessons, mind, she had more than enough experience dancing around poles, if you catch my meaning. Me dancing around a pole would be like looking at a grasshopper having an epileptic fit, so it was out. I couldn’t sing to save my life. I din’t have many options other than to figure out some way to beat Mabelline.

I thought about going to the swamp witch, Mad Hattie, for some advice, but since it was her what caused the problem with the goat in the first place, I figured I’d better come up with something on my own. Besides, I planned on visiting Mad Hattie when I won the competition, and it was going to be a one-time visit. Nobody wants to see Mad Hattie more than once.
So, I did the only thing I could think of. I went to my big sister to ask her advice. After all, she’d won the competition last year with a spectacular fire baton twirling routine. Sure, she set the honorable Mayor Tim Smith on fire, but she put him right out and that was pretty impressive. He was out of Intensive Care in a week, and nobody noticed the scars anymore. I figured she could help me out. After all, the family reputation was on the line.

“Sally Mae, I don’t know what to tell you,” she said, sitting on her bed, which was covered with the pink satin spread Mama got for her at the flea market with some of the prize money from Sue Ann’s big win, and wearing her tiara. She barely took it off since she won it.

She hardly paid me any attention, she was so focused on filing her nails to a sharp point in anticipation for her big date with Roscoe Diesel. He had a reputation and I guess Sue Ann wasn’t going to give it up that easy, which made me feel right proud. “It took me weeks to get that routine just right, and you don’t have weeks. The pageant’s tomorrow.” She looked up and gave me the once-over. “You know, even though Mabelline has bigger boobs, she ain’t no prettier than you. Especially if you do something with that hair.”

I smoothed my hands over my curls, quite aware Sue Ann was probably just being nice since last I saw in the mirror, my hair looked like the patch of spleenwort over yonder. “That ain’t my problem, Sue Ann. I can stuff my bra, but I heard tell Mabelline was going to do one of them pole dances for the talent part. I can’t do that, not in a million years.” I flopped on the bed next to Sue Ann and heaved a long sigh. “I have to win this thing. First of all, Mama will kill me if’n I don’t, and second…”

Sue Ann nodded. She knew. At least, she din’t know about the goat but she knew how valuable the moonshine was. I never asked her what she did with hers, and she din’t ask me what I was going to do with mine, if I won. When I won, I told myself.

“Well, you can’t sing, you can’t dance, and you can’t twirl a baton.”

“I already know what I can’t do,” I snapped. “You ain’t helping me much.”

Finally satisfied with her wickedly pointed nails and sticking the file back in her makeup bag, Sue Ann said, “Oh, don’t be getting your panties all in a bunch, sweet pea.” She turned back to me and smiled. “You can’t twirl a baton, but you can still do the fire thing.”

I shook my head. “No, I can’t. The last time I played with fire I set the outhouse to burning, remember that? Mama made me promise not to do it again.” I looked at my hands and wriggled my fingers. All us Riddley women had an affinity to fire; mine happened to be stronger than most. For instance, Sue Ann was pretty impressive with the fire batons, but I din’t need them to handle fire. Plus, I could make a lot more fire than what it took for two puny batons.

Sue Ann sighed. “Girl, if’n you don’t win that tiara, Mama will set your ass on fire herself, trust that. It’s been in the hands of Riddley women for decades. She’ll be mighty ticked if’n you don’t take it this year.” She stretched out on her bed. “Besides, you ain’t got boobs, so unless you plan on flashing your panties, the only thing that can compete with Mabelline is fire. Men love fire.” She grinned.

***

And that’s just the start of Sally Mae’s hilarious adventure. What starts out as a simple task ends up as complicated as it gets. Sally Mae and her best friend, Becky Jo, end up in a heap more trouble than they counted on, with a most unusual goat and a trip to visit the swamp witch, Mad Hattie.

As an added bonus, the first part of Sally Mae’s next wild ride is included, titled “You Ain’t the Boss of Me”.

“I promise you, you will laugh until you’re able to sit in the kid’s chairs. When you finish this book, you may have to worry about falling into the toilet when you sit down because YOUR ASS! IT WILL BE GONE FROM LAUGHING!” ~Joseph Paul Haines, author of Marooned and Ten With a Flag.

Disclaimer: Author shall be held harmless in any injuries resulting in the loss of asses or any toilet accidents.

You can also find The Trailer Park Tiara and Goat Incident on Smashwords. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I did writing it!

VIVA LA GOAT! 🙂

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Monday Heat Thanks To Eden Baylee

First of all, there will be an update posted tomorrow about the continued Insanity of Car Cookies. Or maybe Wednesday. All I can say is I don’t remember ever laughing so much in my life, which is a good thing because that’s all the exercising I’m getting these days. I bet I could bench press at least two pounds with my Laughing Muscles.

This is what my Laughing Muscles have been doing for the last several days. I’m hoping I look more feminine than this.

But that’s not really why I’m here today.

You may remember Eden Baylee from this interview. You might also recall she was the driving force behind raising money to help out a fellow indie author whose son is fighting a battle with leukemia. This group of indies (of which I was honored to be a part) met and exceeded our goal, due in large part because of Eden’s tireless efforts. She is a Most Impressive woman; intelligent, loving, funny, talented, and one of the most loyal friends anyone could ever have. That’s awesome enough, right?

Look at her. It’s hard to believe that much Awesome can fit into such a tiny body, but it does! And she looks so sweet and innocent, too!

Wrong. This woman is packed with so much Awesome it defies the laws of physics as it applies to stuffing that much awesomeness into one person. Eden is also an outstanding writer of erotica.

For the record, erotica is not normally on my top five list of favorite genres, and that’s because the writing is usually not to my taste. There’s no plot, no story, just Ninety Shades of Turquoise (meaning badly written) or a few hot, sweaty bodies getting it on. I need more from my fiction, erotic or otherwise, and I just never really found it in the erotica genre so I gave up. Until Eden.

I won a copy of her first release, Fall Into Winter and loved it. Here was erotica I could really enjoy. Heart, story, and an overwhelming urge to jump into a snowbank to cool off my nether regions. Total win.

When she asked me to edit her new collection, Spring Into Summer, you can bet I was all over that like a bitch on cookies. And HOLY SHAZAAAM.

See this? Hooo, doggy. You’re going to thank me later. Probably MUCH later, because you’ll be quite busy both during and after you read this.

But here’s the thing: the erotica parts of this book did force me to place ice packs on my lady bits. Several ice packs, in fact. Scorching. However, this collection of novellas is so much more than that. It also has HEART. This collection has story, plot, heartbreak, love, lust, intrigue, sacrifice, discovery, loss…man, it has it all.

Finally! Well-written, totally fabulous, exotically erotic stories for grownups. HUZZAH!!

Don’t take my word for it. Check it out yourself. I promise, I just did you a big favor. If you’re a fan of erotica, you’re going to love this. If you’re on the fence or not usually a fan, give this collection a chance. It will not only touch your heart, it will blow the panties (or boxers) clean off your body.

Bio
Eden Baylee writes literary erotica. Her stories are both sensual and sexual, incorporating some of her favorite things such as travel, culture, and a deep curiosity for what turns people on. Spring into Summer is her second collection of erotic novellas.

Links
Website
Blog
Twitter @edenbaylee
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About the book

In Spring into Summer, a collection of emotionally-charged erotic novellas, four women explore their sexual limits, marked by love, lust, and loss.

Life for Claire Pelletier is changed forever when she meets a professor who teaches her a most important lesson in “A Season for Everything.”

Evelyn Sutton goes in search of a man in “Unlocking the Mystery” and discovers the key to her own heart.

With an open mind, Ava Connors attends a party but wonders if reality can ever live up to her hottest fantasies in “Summer Solstice.”

In “The Lottery,” Sierra Zhao sacrifices herself to numerous men to help a friend, fully aware of the consequences.

With locations in London, Dublin, Cape Cod, and Bangkok, these four women will seek pleasure to alter their lives and push their sexual boundaries.

Spring Into Summer — you think it’s hot now, wait until you read this. Enjoy!

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