Quit Moving The Cheese, Facebook!

Oh, hell yeah, you had to know it was coming.

My NettaRant, that is.

Directed at the Head of Douchebaggery, Mark Zuckerberg, who has once again showcased his lack of social skills.

Yes, Facebook has once again made some HUGE changes without regard for their population, and hoooo doggy, people are hot. Including me.

HATE. Yes, it's a strong word but not strong enough for how I feel.

You could make the argument that because Facebook is a free service, we don’t really have a right to complain. But this is bullshit, because Facebook actually makes a whole lot of money from those of us who use it. Not only from advertisements, but from gathering our information and selling it to mysterious third parties whose motivations are questionable at best and nefarious at worst.

Oh yeah. They're spying on you and probably watching you dance in your underwear.

You would think with a billion-dollar business, Facebook would treat their customers with more respect. No warning, no explanation, and no reason to change things. Everything was working fine, and if it’s not broke, why fix it? It’s like there’s a room full of geeks at Facebook headquarters who were sitting around one day, bored out of their minds, and probably sick and tired of playing video games. So, Zuckerberg walks in and says, “Hey! What am I paying you nerds for? Get busy and see how you can fuck things up, willya?” Not a sound business decision. Actually, you know what it feels like? It feels like a kid with a stick messing with an anthill just to see the ants run around.

Except me and my friends aren't ants, Zuckerberg!

Remember MySpace, Zuckerberg? Yeah, no one else does, either. That might be a lesson you might want to pay attention to — you piss off enough people, and they will find somewhere else to hang out. Someplace that doesn’t try to micromanage their social networking experience, someplace that doesn’t try to control when and how they receive their information. Oh, we’re not stupid. We know this is all about the money and we know information is power. But please, you underestimate us if you think we won’t find another way to gather and interact without you. YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY FISH IN THE POND.

See that, Zuckerberg? There's a whole lotta muthafuckin' fish in that pond, hear dat.

You might have heard of a little company called Google. And, you may have heard they’ve launched their own little social network called Google+. You might want to think about making sweeping changes and pissing off the very people WHO HAVE MADE YOU YOUR BILLIONS, FUCKWAD, lest they jump ship and leave your ass in the dust. Just a friendly head’s up. Which is more than you gave us.

As for me, I’ll keep my FB for now…if I can figure the thing out anymore. But in the meantime, I’m cheating on you with Google+, Zuckerberg, oh yes I am, and I’m not one bit sorry. You have done fucked up, and this isn’t the first time. But it might very well be the last time.

LEAVE THE FUCKING CHEESE ALONE, ZUCKERBERG. Next time you're bored, go play Angry Birds. Asshole.
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Caveat Emptor vs. Caveat Venditor

WARNING: This is a true NettaRant. You might want to wear a helmet.

“I’m just feeling kind of truthsome right now. Life is too damn short for ifs and maybes.” ~ Capt. Mal Reynolds of the Serenity

Instead of your regularly scheduled programming in which I feature some form of Fabulous Fiction, I have instead decided to shake things up in more ways than one.

Yep, it's likely to get thick. And I'm pretty sure it's not going to bring any boys to the yard.

As you may well be aware, I am all for supporting the self-publishing wave, also known as the Indie Movement. (Although some contest the moniker, “indie”, as it really applies to a different aspect of the publishing business…still, I’m not one to split hairs.) I believe passionately in self-publishers coming in to their own without the stigma of “if you’re self-published, your work sucks hot rocks.” That being said, some self-publishers are making it VERY difficult to don the pom-poms and rah it up.

Oh, not on purpose, I’m sure. Pretty sure. Right now it seems like it’s the “American Idol” of publishing, and like American Idol, some people are just not right for the stage, and that’s my nice way of expressing it. It’s a buyer beware world out there — I’m not saying it hasn’t always been that way, but at least with the Big 6 as gatekeepers you had some assurance of quality. (You can argue about their control issues another time. I’m on to something else right now.) In this Wild West Frontier of self-publishing, as a reader you have to do your own due diligence as far as sniffing out quality material to read.

Okay. Now that I’ve laid the groundwork, I need to vent. Consider this your wake-up call.

FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT’S GOOD AND HOLY, PEOPLE, GET YOUR SHIZ-NIZ TOGETHER!

It’s not just a “let the buyer beware” world out there, it’s a “let the seller beware” world! Wake up! I understand you want to jump on the bandwagon and present your work to the world, but have some patience! Is it your best work? Could it be better? Have you EDITED your piece? Have you hired a professional editor or just let your sister who has a degree in liberal arts have a whack at it? Did you put it away for a few weeks to look at it with fresh eyes, or did you mindlessly throw it up on Smashwords or Amazon so fresh off the word processor it’s bleeding from a thousand knife wounds? You guys are KILLING ME.

And while I’m at it, let’s take a look at formatting. Is it formatted properly? Is it consistent, or do you have flawed formatting throughout the entire novel? You know, like it starts off with indents, then goes to block, then back to indents? Are there proper spaces between paragraphs? ARE THERE EGREGIOUS TYPOS?? Did you even bother to put it through a simple spell or grammar check?

Am I perfect? Oh, hell no, and I’ll be the first one to tell you that. It’s not perfection you’re going for here, but at least aim in the general vicinity!

Oh my GAWD, you make me stabby, cranky and want to spank you so hard you can’t sit down at your word processor for a YEAR.

Don't make me get out the whip. Because I WILL do it!

I have seen so much potential absolutely RUINED by LAZINESS and that makes me NUTZ and quite frankly, it pisses me off. As a self-publisher myself, every one of you that is too damned lazy to make sure you’re putting out a quality product is adding to the very stigma you’re trying so hard to dispel! I know you’re in a hurry, I understand why you’re in a hurry, but slow the hell down! Will it really kill you to take an extra few weeks to make sure your work is polished, professional and ready to fly?

If it’s not, you run a real risk of wrecking any chance you might have of a successful launch, and instead you’ll be thinking oh, this self-publishing stuff is bullshit, just like you think the Big 6 is “The Man” and keeping you down, when in fact it’s your own fault! If this is any example of the kind of material you have sent to “traditional” publishers, it’s no wonder they kicked you out on your ass. And if your baby is NOT ready, then roll up your damned sleeves and DO THE WORK.

You’re doing even more damage than that. You are tearing down the credibility of every single writer out there in the self-publishing process who actually works their ass off to make sure what they produce is as good as anything from the Big 6. It’s aggravating, defeating and embarrassing.

I realize this post is not going to make me popular at parties, but someone had to say it. Go ahead, make your voodoo dolls and stick pins in me, but in your heart of hearts you know I’m right or you wouldn’t be so annoyed at reading this.

Go ahead. It wouldn't be the first time.

I am really frustrated (no, Netta, really??) by starting off reading a book by an indie and being unable to continue because of the above-mentioned flaws. I am frustrated because many of these pieces have great potential, but have sadly fallen victim to the author being in a big fat hurry or just not caring. And if YOU don’t care, why should I? That’s right, I don’t. I’m not liking your damned page, I’m not liking your damned book, I’m not re-posting, re-twittering or re-anythinging your work if you can’t actually give a rat’s ass about what you’re putting out there. I’m sorry. I just can’t do it. If that makes you hate me, oh well. I’m over it.

Self-publishing is not the easy way — NEWSFLASH — there is no easy way! Unless you realize that you’re not going to be successful and you’re just clogging up the works like a hairball in the drain.

Hire out what you can’t handle, such as formatting, book covers or editing and if you can’t afford to hire it out (and BELIEVE ME, I am so in touch with that!) then impose on good friends who do know how or learn it yourself. Stop pimping writers who aren’t ready. And for the sake of all of us out here, buyers and sellers alike, have enough respect for yourself, the profession and the potential fans to take your time to put out the very best you can.

Otherwise, get the fuck off the stage.

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Dear Motorcycle Dude….

DSC_9030Image by photonburst via Flickr

Dear Motorcycle Dude,

First of all, let me say I could tell right off the bat you’re not a real motorcycle dude, okay? The motorcycle dudes I’ve known are extremely safety conscious. They wear helmets (sometimes backwards, if they’re really drunk, and then we distract them with naked boobs and take their keys away) and they wear leathers. You, my friend, don’t even have a doo rag on and you’re wearing a t-shirt and cutoffs. Yes, you have nice boots, but are you kidding me?

Anyway.

Read moreDear Motorcycle Dude….

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